Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
