i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize