i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
