Where is the hickey?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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