I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
