i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
His nipple licking is glorious
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