So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
