Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
