I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I forget how to act sober
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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