Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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