I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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