So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
