If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
