Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I wear drunk well.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
