just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
