1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
