Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
