So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
