his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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