Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
BRING THE BAGELS
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I need a beard to bite.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
