I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
