"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
