hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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