Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize
