I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
