so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
