My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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