two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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