By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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