i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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