Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
