The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
it's like heaven, but drunker
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
