I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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