I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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