I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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