Plan B is the new Plan A
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
