He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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