Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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