I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
