Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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