Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
