My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
