While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
