you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
