Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
