I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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