I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
