i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
