I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
