Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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