she was so not down for the gang bang
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
