I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
